Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Here we go again...

Trying something new. Hijacked my recipe blog to post my thoughts about round 5829 of weight loss. I feel like I wanted a new space, and I love LJ, and might cross-post or whatever, but I want to blog daily about my journey just in this. 

This is different this time, and yet it's the same old same old, at the same time. What? But it is. And it isn't. And I am frustrated, and annoyed, but finally to the point of moving forward, which is always good. 

Here's the thing. I gained a little over 50lbs with my pregnancy with Lachlan. 

Before that, I had gained about 20lbs, trying to figure out what I wanted to weigh, where I liked what I looked like, and basically just get my head not so effed up when it comes to food addiction. 

So really, ultimately, by the end of my pregnancy with Lachlan, in March 2012, I was up about 70lbs from my absolutely lowest ever of 145lbs. 

I had so many feelings surrounding all of this, and right after I had Lachs, I was down about 25lbs or so, the first few months, it was great and I didn't even really have to try very hard at all. 

But then I got stuck. And we had a lot going on-no excuses, ever, just explanations-traveling, tv shows, master trainings for Hoopnotica, so much stuff. 

And I didn't know how to lose weight, when I had to do more in my life, than just lose weight. 

Not only that, but I'd also finally realize that as per the graphic above, I had so much that was the cause of my weight issues, not that were the result of my weight issues. 

I've spent the past 10 months getting my head into a good place. Focusing on my family, on myself, on the demons inside me that drive me to turn to food, that are simply never going to go away-trying to fix myself on the inside, so that my outside can be fixed forever. And it's really hard and stressful sometimes and time consuming. But the great thing about all of this is that I've discovered this amazing self-love that has never existed before, in all 32 years of my life. I've discovered that somewhere along the way, I've become someone that I actually really like. I like me. I like who I am, who I am becoming. It's amazing. 

The flipside to that is, I don't currently like my outside, it's not reflective of me, and is still a symptom of my ongoing inner battle surrounding food, every day of my life. 

I feel ready, and in a place. to finish it. To get to where I need to go physically, because inside, I am ready. 

I have felt stuck in this place this past year, of feeling like people's expectations of me dictate what I can and can't do. I feel like I have this responsibility to do things a certain way or to be or even look a certain way, because I lost weight in the public eye, and now I have been in so much media for my weight loss. It messed me up, in the sense of regaining my rhythm, when before there was no pressure. I'd never been skinny, so no one really thought I could be, probably, and no one really cared if I just stayed morbidly obese for the rest of my life. 

This time, people care. People notice. People ask. They ask what I weigh. How much baby weight I've lost. They say things like "omg you were so skinny!" when looking at my videos from 2010 and 2011. People feel invested and allowed to have an opinion on my weight and my life. And it's added a dimension of stress surrounding my already messed-up relationship with food and weight. 

The good news is, I've worked through it. That's part of what I had to take time to deal with. Other's expectations versus myself. 

And here I am, ready to go. Ready to swallow my pride, admit my failures, my shortcomings, my addictions, and to move forward into a stronger version of me that I already adore-physically, mentally and emotionally. 

Last week I jumped back in, both feet at once. I debated about sharing the nitty gritty of the exact specifics of the plan I am following, but I've decided that's not important right now. I found out really quickly before that people felt very upset when they found out things I did-or didn't-do last time. It took the focus off of the big picture of lifestyle change and overall self-health and love, and I am not interested in that right now. 

What I am interested in, is sharing my thoughts and experiences, recipes, honesty, rawness and life with anyone that might be inspired or understand or find themselves-even years from now-in the place I am now. It's only worth it, it only matters, if it's all part of a bigger picture, and a bigger plan. 

So it's been one week, and I've been 100% on plan. I have lost 9lbs, which is actually more depressing than exciting, in a way, LOL-reason being, 9lbs means I was retaining a ridiculous amount of water, and probably ridiculously dehydrated as well (case in point, I think I lost only 4lbs my first week back in Sept 2009 of my original journey), and no one loses 9lbs of fat in a week, if I lost any fat at all, it was probably well under 2lbs, so that's a LOT of water weight. A LOT. *shudder*

I also debated about numbers. I don't want to be addicted to the scale. I don't want to be defined solely on the scale. On the other hand, I want to own my weight and not be ashamed of it because it just IS a number. 

I think for now, I'll just leave numbers with my exact food plan, and say it's not the point or the purpose of this blog-at least for today, and right now. 

Generically speaking, I'm eating 5 small meals, and 1 bigger meal, and a starbucks. Because I am just going to have Starbucks every day, so there. :) 

I wasn't sure I would or could like this new format/plan, but it's been an incredible week. We had a training and we were gone from Fri-Mon, and I stayed 100%, despite going out to a restaurant, not having a microwave or fridge in our room, etc.That has NEVER happened, frequent travel has been one of my biggest issues this past  year, not knowing how to or being able to or willing to stay on plan despite traveling. 

I am very happy with 9lbs, and happy to move forward. I will share more tomorrow, but for now, to bed because sleep is one of the most important parts of weight loss :)